Of Winter Evenings and Loneliness

I love winter. I love the feel of the cold still air on my skin. I hate winter evenings. I don't know what it is about the stillness that pervades winter evenings that is unpleasant. By all accounts, it is probably a figment of an overactive imagination. But it's been long since I have reconciled to being in a constant state of mental turmoil, not the bad kind of turmoil, just a state of constant flux. And somehow the shorter the days get towards the end of the year and the stiller the nights get, the more agitated my thoughts get, again not necessarily the unpleasant kind of agitation but far from any semblance of peace. 

I remember this evening spent in Kullu, Himachal Pradesh in late April, 2010. It was right after my board exams. It was quite late, actually, and I was sitting in the balcony with my parents asleep in the room. It was a beautiful night, the moon full and the soft sound of the Beas flowing nearby faintly audible. There was a song playing somewhere. I don't remember what the song was. But I remember how I felt at that instant, a feeling so potent that I haven't forgotten about it even four years hence. It was an extreme sense of yearning for something that felt like it was just at the edge of my fingertips yet definitively beyond grasp. This was not an yearning for something tangible. It wasn't even aspirational. It was for that elusive thing that would somehow make make everything in life fall into place. Yes, I know how unreal this sounds like, hence the use of the word elusive. And with the yearning came a certain sense of loneliness. A kind of loneliness that has nothing to do with lack of people one loves or is loved by. It has nothing to do with sadness either. It is in fact an acknowledgement of the fact that irrespective of how many people one holds close to oneself, they can only do so much. One still remains the sole protagonist in ones life story. The journey is ultimately lonesome.

This memory of what I felt at that moment in time is the best way in which I can describe the reason behind my distaste for winter evenings. The feeling is not saddening, no. It is  humbling because with it also comes the realisation that one occupies only but a miniscule space in the grand scheme of things in the world.